The Outragous Profiteering Award 2006

Goes to the shop currently selling the Nintendo Wii (pronounced we) for a mere £699.99. Ooh, did I forget to link to them? Silly me.
But be careful with that axe, Eugene:
'reports about the wrist straps breaking during use, leading to the controller slipping out of hands, smashing TVs and windows' mutters the BBC.
Wheee!

No heading today, thankyou

So sometimes you need to shake yourself out of a rut you see. It's all very wall that, ehem, 'older' artists are making some of the finest music of their careers. Michael Nesmith's 'Rays' and Bob Dylan's 'Modern iTunes' are indeed classic works.
But when you find yourself driving along listening to a 66-year-old man telling you that 'we could have a real good time' for the thirty-third time you tend to wonder if you should really change the record. After all, music brings a whole load of thought processes and associated feelings with it, and sometimes you want to feel a little, well, younger.
So, after a hasty retreat to the iTunes store a fine album by Penarth's finest Jem does indeed fit the bill. You see.

Podderington Gardens

Of course they are selling the coolest thing that ever was, but what sort of a name is this for a website?
It's either cool, embarassing, both or neither. Nice drawings though, don't you think? Oh yes, here's a link for the US of A; much the same malarkey, I fear.

Your Stars

Pisces - two cod and a jumbo sausage please
Watch out for falling marionettes.
Lucky drink - nectar of the gods
Lucky genius - Einstein
Lucky monk - Thelonious

Feng Shui Tips - November

Always place doors in a convenient place to enter and leave a room.
Make sure that all windows face outwards.
Never place a toilet in the lounge.
If you often fall out of bed, try positioning your bed next to the wall.
Try to sleep in a horizontal position, with your head facing the opposite direction to your feet.

Your Stars

Valium - The autograph hunter.
A nasty stain could ruin your week.
Remember to eat your greens.
Lucky epitaph - 'Who?'

Your Stars

Venus - The Fly Trap
Beware of men on stilts.
Lucky animal - inflatable dolphin
Lucky bodypart - dandruff
Lucky color - Cerulean
Lucky page number - 32
Lucky foodstuff - treacle
Lucky transport - unicycle

It's Mozart, bach

Far be it from me to blog my own trumpet, but there are some things that even you might be interested in knowing...
One of which is that my remarkable 'learn Welsh through a Shamanic trance' Welsh course is now half price, or hanner pris to those in the know.
Certain pieces of classical music can help change your brainwaves, you know. Combine them with an 'Under Milk Wood meets the X-Files' storyline and something quite remarkable might happen.
Click here to Give Good Welsh.

Cap'n Jack

Yes, Torchwood's almost certainly better than the X-Files ever was, but surely this is taking things a little too far.
Someone call a doctor.

Heavens to Betsy

What on earth?
As if strippers at a funeral wasn't enough (see previous post, Vernon), our solar system is now shrinking! Eek.
I'm off for a cup of tea and a lie down.

Funeral Misdeeds Hotline

It's a shame when old traditions are threatened, particularly the ancient practise of striptease at Chinese funerals.
(Insert your own joke about pole bearers here, I've got things to do).

Made in China

They may be the most advanced computers and music devices in the world, but how are the people that toil to make them treated? Thank God that at least Apple seem to be treating this seriously and have been upfront about their findings.
Now then, how many versions of 'Another Girl, Another Planet' are available on iTunes?
Oh, that many.

Dr Pwy

Always more rewarding than anticipated, this year's National Eisteddfod has left me both exhilerated and disturbed. Not a bad state of mind, admittedly. Wandering into the BBC Cymru shed (which looked bigger on the outside than in - spooky) the horror of a Welsh-speaking Dalek struck home-
'Dinistrio', it chilled.
I didn't know whether to feel proud or intimidated.
That Tardis is really a snack bar in the Hayes, Cardiff you know. Oh yes, trust me. I'm a doctor.

Redwood Sings!

Like a fish trapped in the glare of the headlights of a car cringing out of control...
in a dead-end country he saw his life careering off message.
It still makes me laugh.
If only he'd learnt how to give good Welsh.

The Gatekeeper's Tale

'The soft wind blew, the stars shone silently above, and my pale heart quickened. I was tired of violent times; tired of watching the shadow of a creature devouring its own heart.
I wanted a peace inside.'

Rolf's Angry...

...and quite rightly so. Prepare for a shock to your system routine, as Rolf berates the Canadian seal slaughter.
We love you.

Your Stars

Rorschach - the blue bunny with three ears.
Temperate times ahead. Your silicone may need cooling.
Lucky foodstuff - canned cheese
Lucky wallpaper - flock
Lucky number - yes

Macs not bombs

It is, of course, a sticky question. When most people seem to agree that there's only one superpower left standing why should the UK government spend £25 billion on a replacement for Trident?
That's quite a lot of money, even if it were to come in on budget. Considering that there are 60 million people in the countries of the UK that comes to over £400 a head. More than enough for everyone to buy an Apple Mac Mini. Macs not bombs, I say.
But hang on a millisecond. That rough calculation assumes that Gordon is using the US definition of a billion (a thousand million). If he were using the traditional 'British' definition (a million million) that would mean a million pounds to most households (give or take).
That would be unthinkable, wouldn't it?

Bob Dylan. Cardiff, Wales.

Who could ask for more? A band and a sound that wouldn't be out of place in a David Lynch film - twangy bass guitar on lice.
My jaw dropped three times at soundscapes of lovely ugliness, and an utterly transcendental 'Watchtower' of Shamanic proportions temporarily disfigured my reality monitor. I kid yee not.
Thank you.

But you don't know what it is, do you Mr Jones?

A strange feeling of fresh chips hit me on watching last night's Bob Dylan documentary I taped off S4C this lunchslot. 'He's here' I mused, guessing that his Bobness's feet are now firmly planted on Welsh soil.
So the world's greatest living songwriter takes his name from the greatest poet of the 20th century before returning to Cwmdonkin Drive for one last whiff of Organ Morgan's riff off A Rolling Stone. Perfection.
See ya tonight Bob.

One more less

Michael Moore cannot even come close to the controversy, censorship, and just plain determination of Welsh rogue film maker Kenneth Griffith. Sad to say then, that Mr Griffith has died at the age of 84. Managing to tread a fine line between acting (Four Weddings and a Funeral, The Prisoner, Who Dares Wins) and incisive but provocotive film-making, he was a genuine one-off.
His films in turn were surpressed, banned, and canned by the left, the right, and TV companies alike. Now there's a thing.

Bill Gates insists he is not retiring...

While composing an email to a friend today I happened to type microsoft into my email. Helpful as ever, outlook decided to capitalize microsoft - hence Microsoft. Spooky, I mused.
Hang on, I thought. It doesn't flippin do it for my name though does it? Who bought the flipping software, etc etc. Actually I didn't say flipping but you get my French.
He's going to spend less time at the company you know. Watch those shares now.

Italics Wednesday

It seems that the only people with an interest in actually designing computers these days are those hip cats at apple.com.
Not just flushed with ipod domination statistics, but awash with a complete range of webcasting, bloggering, just plain mouthwashering lovelinessness.
Of course, now that they can run, ehem, Windows too we'll all want a shackful. You'll see.

last days of Dogtown

...while over in the Welsh Quarter old mother Tripod remembers to turn off the gas.
Uncle Vesuvius runs naked through Dogtown Desert, lile a crazed zealot salesmen on 40 percent - Blam! - when an alien saucer of colossal proportions zip-wrecks its way into his lifestyle, and materializes on the very same spot as himself...
...creating a super-intelligent race of time-travelling beergutted undertakers.
The Reincarnation of Spud the Wonderdog barks out from inside an old radio, the troubles of his axed television career behind him, like the faint whiff of lice on Clarity Day.
Because it’s always the last Day in Dogtown for someone…
Richard Stiletto the handicrafts instructor
One two three,
Four five six,
seven eight nine,
Lucky or not, I’m coming.

The Secret

Me, I've been living in a cave for the past 15 years. But just in case you didn't know, 'The Secret' is a life-changing film featuring some of the leaders in the (ahem) 'personal growth industry'.
I've just spent the last hour-and-a-half watching the film online, hunched over my flat-screen monitor. Do I love the film? Oh yes, you bet.
They claim to reveal the secret of life you know. Just in case you hadn't heard, the website is here. And remember where you heard it first.

Earth

Interestingly, one of the great natural features one may discern from the GREAT WALL of China is the moon.
Discuss. You may now turn your papers over: 40 minutes; max.
(Letter from William Brown)

Your Stars

Spandex, the Firestarter
Your bookshelves will be rearranged by an old librarian boyfriend.
Alphabetically, via ISBN.
Watch out for dust in an old raincoat.
Lucky apple - Granny Smith
Lucky profession - Acountancy

Jones the Clone

Do 'virtual' salespeople sell? And if so, can I be one?
Just to prove that anything's possible in Aberarthur after midnight pop along to my delightful www.cadwswn.com for a Jones clone.
Lovely voice, but looks nothing like me.
Oh yes, great Welsh course too.

Doggy-doggy-doo

Fair play to Scooby-Doo. He never knows when to walk on four legs or two, but at least he never disgraces himself in public.

Dydd Gwyl Dewi

Well, correct me if I'm wrong, but I seem to remember that there's an old Welsh saying. It goes something like,
'If it snows on St David's Day the English Queen will come to Wales. She will be tricked into saying the magic word 'Senedd' which will devolve all power back to the land. Tax raising powers, lawmaking japes and even the power to bestow a bank holiday across the country.'
Byddwch lawen.

Your Stars

Vera - the Weight-watcher
Ritual humiliation may well spoil your day.
Beware of all foodstuffs.
Lucky letter - Z
Favorite city - Leningrad
Zorro - the Cheese-moulder
Now is not the time for procrastination.
Act now and weep sooner, rather than later.
Lucky friend - Jack Daniels

Your Stars

Scabius - the Ironmonger
I see a troubled week ahead. Try to remain calm.
Lucky murder weapon - blue toothbrush
Lucky firestarter - Mouthwash.
Lassius - the Wonderdog
That film part may require some sacrifices. Remember your toothbrush. Nothing can go wrong for you this month.
Benign patriot - Lenin
Lucky TV program - Homicide House

Your Stars

Vesuvius - the Goat
You will meet a stranger carrying a quiet pig. He will have dandfuff. You must ignore him at all costs.
Lucky pixie - Eddie
Favourite insult - 'Toad-molester'
Shoe size - 33 1/3
Scaline - the Onion-seller
I have nothing for you.
Lucky Tree - Great Oak

Your Stars

Topius, the Velveteen Fish
This will be an uncanny week for you and your friends.
Beware of large biscuits
Lucky number 31074321227653426781113
Lucky foodstuff – mink
Scandal – the Wiresnapper
A small egg in your jacket pocket will save your life this week.
Eat more fish.
Lucky timeslot - 1943
Fester, the war criminal
Be kind to small mammals this week. Next month may see an exiting change in your eating habits.
Lucky color – red
Lucky animal – tomato

Search me

Groundhog Day? More like the Year of the Groundhog in my current timeslot. ‘Is it Monday again?’ seems to have turned to ‘Is it February again?’ in this lifestyle syntax.
But did the groundhog see his own shadow on Feb second? If so, six more weeks of winter, and humble groundhog returns to his bunker for another month and a half.
Don’t hog all the quilt now.
By the by, ‘groundhog day’ is currently in the top five google searches, together with Superbowl commercials, Coretta Scott King, cheese rolling, superbowl (again), and Homicide House. Or something.

Flopsy bunny

Hey rabbit-ears, fancy some free fairy e-cards?
Go here to find out more.
Send them to your friends and loved ones. Aww.

Don't sit in the Wild Chair

Only a weblogging fool would let the launch of a his new book pass unnoticed.
OK, so 'The Fairy Art of Howard David Johnson', is not actually my new book. It does, however, contain what I regard as one of my finest 'folk' stories, together with an introduction by my very own self. Enough to get my name on the cover, indeed.
Rush along then to www.fantastic-realism.com for a pixic transportation of delights.

God Shave the Queen

Oh dear oh dear oh dear.
So we start the new year (I've been busy) with a call to 'Britishness' by should-know-better Gordon Brown.
Apparently he'd like us all to fly the Union Jack in our gardens. The Welsh, of course, fared particularly badly in this botched piece of early graphic fascism, our national flag being entirely absent from this hallowed banner.
Which leaves us with the 'anthem' (I'm never too sure of which country) 'God Save the Queen/King'. Ask any Scot about the now often 'omitted' verse;
Lord, grant that Marshal Wade,
May by thy mighty aid,
Victory bring.
May he sedition hush, and like a torrent rush,
Rebellious Scots to crush,
God save the King.
Footnote. My microsoft spellchecker insists on replacing 'Britishness' with 'Brutishness'. No comment.